illumination

tired? YES

happy? YES

dreamer? YES

ambitious? YES

in love? YES

There is a star in the sky

Guiding my way with its light

And in the glow of the moon

Know my deliverance will come soon

shapes

ENJOY THE SILENCE

30.04.06

metro.
music lessons? quite interesting. i like them very much. i don't understand the 1/3 of it, or not sure if i remember everything but i like it. there are moments that i truly believe that i could do something in the music industry, but afterwards logic reminds me how huge this business is... then i think of dm.. how they started, they were only kids playing with synths... but they had the gift and the chance.. or the persistence to do something... do i have this gift? do i have the "balls"?
drawing lessons. I know how to express something, not like in music(well yet)... I have a picture in my mind? something that caressed my "memory section" of my mind. like observing john sitting on a bench, sad... I felt his sadness as if it was mine, maybe because i knew that i was responsible for it.. and now! after years I'm drawing it.. but he is changing. He's sitting in a kinda dolphin back, who's jumping over a cave. In the cave there's a girl, she's running away to hide..it's dark! Over their heads there's the moon crying, blurred by the rain, and the starfall...
and all this set is chased by a tree-bird. Their queen overjoyed by her possession of fear triumphs!!!

 

Show Must Go On

Yesterday evening I was driving from work, I was peaceful and serene... I stopped to a "stop" sign and look both size to see if there was anyone coming... No one... Nice! Let's see now if any car is coming...No one...Ok..Let's go... And than I hear a scream, an old lady with a baby was passing the street.. I was shocked.. I was in the middle of the road and she had started to cross it.. Thank God I had stopped and thank God I did not hurt them... She was yelling at me, I kept on starring at her without saying a thing... Shocked... Petrified... I was just thinking "where did the fuck she came from? from Mars? Am I blind or is she F****** insensitive?"
I got home, crying...
Kept crying in silence for a long hour... My mum was passing from my apartment to leave me a book, I told her what happened... She was really calm, she comfort me... But I kept on thiking "what if...?" I was feeling like I was a criminal...
It was a strong feeling, even if I wasn't to blame, it's the first time I was scared on the road... So I went downstairs, looked at the car, got in and drove away... Went up to a hill and drove back slowly to work... I felt mixed up... I had gain my confidence, my identity but still weirdly shocked...
I than thought what if I had hit them, I would have felt the same way: terrible, and then weirdly "ok with that, because it was an accident...It wasn't my fault"... And what if it was? What should it change? Guilts...?! But there's a point that you start living again... You think about it less and less... If you go a little further you should think that that's the way a killer thinks: searching for excitement:he kills, maybe he feels a small/varying percentage of guilt...And so what?
Life is still going on for the rest of us...