Show Must Go On

Yesterday evening I was driving from work, I was peaceful and serene... I stopped to a "stop" sign and look both size to see if there was anyone coming... No one... Nice! Let's see now if any car is coming...No one...Ok..Let's go... And than I hear a scream, an old lady with a baby was passing the street.. I was shocked.. I was in the middle of the road and she had started to cross it.. Thank God I had stopped and thank God I did not hurt them... She was yelling at me, I kept on starring at her without saying a thing... Shocked... Petrified... I was just thinking "where did the fuck she came from? from Mars? Am I blind or is she F****** insensitive?"
I got home, crying...
Kept crying in silence for a long hour... My mum was passing from my apartment to leave me a book, I told her what happened... She was really calm, she comfort me... But I kept on thiking "what if...?" I was feeling like I was a criminal...
It was a strong feeling, even if I wasn't to blame, it's the first time I was scared on the road... So I went downstairs, looked at the car, got in and drove away... Went up to a hill and drove back slowly to work... I felt mixed up... I had gain my confidence, my identity but still weirdly shocked...
I than thought what if I had hit them, I would have felt the same way: terrible, and then weirdly "ok with that, because it was an accident...It wasn't my fault"... And what if it was? What should it change? Guilts...?! But there's a point that you start living again... You think about it less and less... If you go a little further you should think that that's the way a killer thinks: searching for excitement:he kills, maybe he feels a small/varying percentage of guilt...And so what?
Life is still going on for the rest of us...